Are WE the ones WE really are?

Nemozem povedať ze vytrvalo a pravidelne sledujem spravy, skor som s tym prestal, pretoze ked uplne vymizli pozitivne informacie a spravodajstvo i tlac ovladli negativne spravy zo vsetkych moznych oblasti, povedal som si dost. No posledne dlhsie obdobie, mi neda nejak nepozriet na tie titulky, v novinach, weboch, spravach a k nim diskusie, ktore narastaju 10 nasobne vyssim tempom ako doteraz. Zatial som ale nezachytil jedinu spravu, ktora by sa objektivne zaoberala otazkou “co sa to do pekla okolo nas deje?”.

Hypotez, obvineni, falsonych uvah, nabozensky ovlplyvnenych nazorov, odvovodneniam s rasistikcym podtonom, obvineniam bez ohladu na rasu, vieru, farbu, povod ..., toto vsetko ma dve spolocne vlastnosti. Prva je, ze myslim ze su velmi daleko od pravdy, druha ze su plne ZLA, nasho ZLA, nasej chuti po nom.

Asi by sa dala zostavit aj hitparada, ktore pricny su najcastejsie spominane, prim by asi padol na nazbozensky motivovane dovody. Vinit multikulturne prostredie, islam alebo krestanstvo, pritom nikto sa uz nezamysla, ze multikulturna spolocnost sme MY, MY ju tvorime a zato ako vyzera sme MY zodpovedni.

Lenze akosi zabudame na seba. Tieto protesty, zrazu v krajine, ktora storocia bola vyrovnana so systemom, ziada radikalnu zmenu, staty o ktorych sme si mysleli, ze su motormi svetovej ekonomiky krachuju, krajiny dodnes akoby mimo nepokojov, zu zmietane nasilnostami, ktore sa stupnuju ..., vrazdy, smrt, nasilie, rabovanie, okradanie ..., je vobec na mieste vinit niekoho ineho ako NAS. My tvorim spolocnost, spolocnost ktora zrejme momentalne zlyhalava, Cvilizacia, ktora nie je schopna akceptovat viacere kultury, nabozenstva, rasy, na druhej strane jedine co dokazeme akceptovat je nasa sebeckost, lahostajnost, zbabelost a pohodlnost. Spolocnost, ktoru pomahali tvorit, nasi otcovia, praotcovia atd, teraz vinime zo vsetkeho. Ake je malicherne vinit vlady, ktore sme si sami zvolili, vinit mensiny, ktorych sa radsej stranime, akoby sme ich akceptovali. Strach z rozdielnosti je obrovsky,  zapadnut je pritom tak jednoduche a prirodzene, presne ako najprimitivnejsie ludske emocie a spravanie stada.

Povazujeme sa za vrchol zivota na zemi, ale porovnavat nas so zvieratami, by bolo pre nich urazlive. Prirodzenost ludskeho zla je obrovska, zlo je v nas a da sa lahsko prebudit k zivotu, ludia prestali uvazovat o zivote, proste zacali iba fungovat, akoby na zotrvacnik.

Co som tymto chcel povedat je, ze kazdi z nas by sa mal predtym ako nieco vyslovi, pozriet sebakriticky do zrkadla a pouvazovat, skor ako vypusti obvinenia, dojmy a nazory, ktore su casto tak ovplyvnene tym, aku nenavist a zast v sebe nosime.

Vytvorili sme si spolocnost, civilizaciu ak chcete a teraz je na nas, ci ju zvrhneme a tym aj seba samych alebo sa naozaj zacneme spravat ako vrcholna forma zivota – INTELIGENTNE.

My Anger, written on 02/12/2010

It is pretty surprising, when it comes up. Something you would never expect to be part of me, but it is. At least from certain time. What can I do about that, I think it’s little bit too late to look for a cause, that might be far away hidden in my past, something that happened and changes the way I was dealing with things. And now I’m standing here, realizing, that all the stuff I’ve been pushing back, all the emotion that stayed unexpressed, all the fury and anger, that was just buried under other fury and anger. Problems that were never faced, never dealt with. I got married without really knowing it. Can’t really remember it was with me or not. But the true is I have something like fury attacks or rage attack – still they are under control, cause every time it explodes, my mind alarms the body early enough. But the fact is there is a problem at the moment and as at this stage is harmless, at this stage it should be dealt with.

I’m aware this might be because more or less, my emotions are still laid back, mainly the negative emotion. I never get in fight, at least no with real person, but the fight that should be with real person, actually happens in my head. On and on and on, the same situation. The variations of possible answers, that would make me maybe happier, maybe they would help just to release some pressure, few words could change a lot, speaking about my future and my personnel life, which will be affected, no matter how hard I will try to control it. And it might get worse. The need to start talking, need to say my opinion was never bigger. I know at some point, I gave up arguing with people, turned it into my mind, sometimes into writing, but talking pretty much became an issue, not because it’s hard, just because I stopped to do it. Wasn’t giving me anything and the endless conversations were really making me upset, because we were talking about the same things, same annoying bullshit and somehow always after the conversation I just had that feeling, that I don’t wanna be part of it anymore. Than for year I’ve been communicating any problems just with myself or the paper, so how do I expect to communicate with people suddenly?

Let’s have a look on jobs, constant problems, it’s always about the same. Find a job and after not long period, job becomes boring ..., easy ..., not challenging and that’s it. Can’t get any satisfaction, I manage to pick up on any job I do really fast, after short time, there is nowhere to move, no chance to move forward, just having the same days at work all the time. That does drive me crazy, because all of my skill are sitting there in the corner on constant break, as they are absolutely not needed. And I really do not care about career ..., it’s just another name for the job, another amount coming into your account and different people giving you hard time. Simple thing. Well this is something, that I can’t really change immediately, I have to lie, act to get a job that would satisfy me ..., but this is definitely not the most important part, neither cause ..., or a way out.

Vztahy?!, napisane cca v 2008

Co je to vlastne za pojem alebo mytologiu, dennodenne zazijam skurvenu realitu toho, ake to v skutocnosti je, miliony ludi, kotri sa tlacia pred obrazovkami, sleduju tie uzasne filmu, pri ktorych sa kazdi sanzi skryvat slzy, aby neukazal ako velmi je citlivy, ale pritom kazdi, ked pride na vec, teda na debatu je uplne zaslepeny ..., ak sa lisim tym co citim a co cakam od vztahov, ak nahodou cakam na tu pravu bez toho aby som pretiahol kazdu jednu, ktora je mi schopna rozkrocit nohy, tak uz som iny, uz som mimo normalneho okruhu, myslenia, konania, preco. Pretoze robim to, o com miliony snivaju? Nie, nie je to lahke, ani kusok to nie je lahke, pretoze stale vidim tu krasu zeny, krasu jej tela, pach, ktory ti dokaze poblaznit celu hlavu a vnemy, stale citim vestko to, co robi zenu takou ziadanou, vsetko sexualne aj asexualne, akurat mi ide na nervy ten trend sukat co ti telo vladze, preco som tak mimo, ked chcem spat iba so zenou, ktoru fakt milujem a ona miluje mna, mozno som sa vratil o 100 rokov spat, ale kurva koho je co do toho, comu ja verim, co citim, hlavne ked jedine co ich trapi je iba to ze preco nesukam a ci nahodou nezapadam do profilu homosexuala. 

A o com to cele vlastne je, o mne, mojich pocitoch a veciach, ktorym verim alebo o tom comu chcu verit ini, ti ktori dennodenne nasleduju tu skurvenu koloniu slepuchov, ktory funguju ako otroci spolocnosti. Pracujte a konzumujte, je mi jasne ze aj ja som sucast tejto masinerie, ale bez toho aby som predaval svoju dusu, pocity a vieru, definujte si veiru ako cokolvek konkretne alebo abstraktne, je to osobna vec, nazoru ... a blablabla kopy veci, ktore denne stretavate, vnimate, zivot vas komfrontuje s tym, co zazivate a prezivate, a je len na vas co z toho nechate aby vas ovplyvnilo .....

Freedom as a myth of 22nd century, written sometime 2009 - 2010

Freedom, word so often used and disused or used in a situations that are not exactly “freedom”. So what is freedom, I mean what is freedom in purest meaning, the ultimate and one and only freedom, the definition that could be “understood” and “accepted” by everyone.

Our past was full of fighting for freedom, I think most of us understand freedom as a physical state and not many people care about the state of mind. We are happy to define freedom as being free to move, travel, by whatever you want, choose your job, but all these thing operate under central system, that we created, that system will never allow us to be free. Still there things you can’t do, things that are not accepted by society and governments, thing people just don’t understand.

Freedom as I see it is certain state of mind, you can’t really learn it, you have to achieve it and most of us never will, because money exist and that will always limit the mind. We have so many choices in the life and anyway most of the people follow the same pattern of life, without questioning if it’s right or not, without being really individual.

“I want to have freedom life” – but what does it mean? It can mean big level of responsibility for the individual life and scarify some part of what is today considered as “normal life”. Being free doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, it means you do what you need to live, where the first problem comes, as “normal life” is so strong defined and widely accepted, that anything different to that will result in you on the edge of society.

Society rules tell you how to live, you have to be registered, pay taxes, spend money you earn, borrow money, to be valuable member who contributes to the good of the society. But what I don’t give a shit about society. Can I just a pick a location, build a house and live on my own. There are loads of people who done that. But do thing they got the ultimate freedom. Living off the common patterns of life? Producing their own food and everything they need for life? I’m sure there are some that won’t even need money, but for most of us, this doesn’t mean freedom, because you can’t have the comfort of modern technologies.

Some of the native nation, living still in the jungles, no phones, internet, TV …., is that freedom? Probably could be, the only thing they have to do is provide for them and their families, they don’t know money, they don’t have anything that someone else could envy, but it’s a hard work. But all they do in their life is for them clearly. They don’t have to work for companies and be depending on the salary, they don’t get frustrated from the payslip, where they see all the deductions. They don’t know TAX.

I thing 99% of today’s world is so addicted to the society, that there can’t be freedom. People fought for freedom and created system, that slaves them actually. We created the system of governments to rules us, so why did we fought for freedom? Maybe freedom is a myth, something that can’t be achieved, because if we would have the ultimate freedom, there would be chaos and the society would collapse soon the humanity is not mature enough the accept the freedom. It is a myth, because with ultimate freedom, people would have to do what they are good in – there won’t be the possibility of working because you are getting better wages. Money does not have place in freedom, as it changes our priorities, makes us do different choices, do jobs we don’t like, learn things we don’t want to learn – for what? Better life …., better life means ability to spend more for loads of things we actually do not need?

Humanity has a strange understanding of freedom, but we can’t be free, we can’t be left without some to rule us, someone we can blame for our current situation …, that’s why this system still works, that’s why we scarify freedom to have some security feeling, feeling of comfort, inside the society, that instantly drags our attention the other way and work hard to make us “blind”? Society is like a big club, you automatically join when you’re born with permanent membership and if you try to leave, society will label you as strange, reckless, dangerous and does all in her power to get you back to the mass.

The more I thing about it …, there can’t be ultimate freedom, because we destroyed it and we are forgetting about it, take care about our selfish lives.

Feeling(s)!, napisane 03/03/2005

Čo okrem hladu sa dá cítiť v žalúdku? Mám tam nejaký pocit, len ho je ťažké definovať alebo opísať. Je to taký jemný, ale zároveň silný tlak. V podstate sa to netýka iba žalúdka, ale celkovo hrude. Ten pocit kumuluje z malinkej neciteľnej vibrácie, do pocitu ktorý sa síce podobá vnútornému svrbeniu, ale nie je to o svrbení, je to skôr ten pocit tesne pred tým, ako ťa začne niečo svrbieť. Teda to je vlastne taká jedna forma, druhá je vlastne podobná, akurát tam sa ten tlak stupňuje viac, dokonca ten pocit cítim až v hlave. Asi by sa to dalo porovnať s bombou tesne pred výbuchom, veľké množstvo (v tomto prípade negatívnej) energie sa začne rozpínať. Možno pod pôsobením takýchto pocitov, sa z niektorých ľudí začne uvoľňovať agresia v takej miere, že to niekto odnesie a potom že prečo sú masoví vrahovia ..., vlastne ten príklad bol zlý, keby som bol ako bomba, tak by musela nasledovať tá explózia, ktorá však nikdy nenastane, aspoň dodnes. Skôr ma napadlo, že je to ako rýchlo-varná kanvica, proste pomaly stúpa teplota, až to začne vrieť, ale vždy keď to dosiahne určitý povedzme nezvyčajný stupeň, ktorý by mohol byť aj nebezpečný, či už voči sebe samému alebo iným (a to nemyslím iba fyzicky, ale hlavne psychicky), príde na rad malý spínač, ktorý to vypne. Len neviem akej značky som. Pravdepodobne väčšina ľudí na takomto princípe funguje, len pomaly mám pocit, že každé varenie zájde o nepatrný kúsok ďalej a ten bezpečnostný spínač sa zopne vždy o kúsoček neskôr ..., časom môže byť s kúsoček neskôr neskoro, ale to sa potom začnem spoznávať z trocha inej stránky a som si istý, že nebudem jediný koho to prekvapí ..., ako?, tak to nemám ako vedieť, dokonca ani tušiť.

Fear of being successful, written on 18/08/2011

Confession, written on November 2009

Why is a good question ..., pretty good one according to what happened last year. Crazy idea of giving up everything just because of some stupid reason, misunderstanding or misrepresentation of my thoughts and feeling, luckily for me, lost was only financial, social and career, gained something much more valuable, but that is a different story.

You know sometimes it happens, you start to feel something. That feeling just appears, but it acts like it’s been here forever. It is really deep, starts that little voice in your head. Voice that makes you do something, different, extraordinary, something that no one would expect you to do. Voice soon changes to a need. Need that gets stronger with the time. And in this period, all around you, just makes you believe this need is important, true, that it is real need. But it’s fake, this need gets stronger as you suffer loads of stupidity around you, some small thing happen, that make this need stronger. Another complication, you don’t think straight in that time, cause you’re getting too deep in the lifestyle, you actually hate, Pissed most of the time, with thought flown miles away, in some imaginary safe place, where no one can piss you of and nothing make you feel disgusting about this world ..., temporary. So there it is, this need, screaming for doing it. For others it sounds crazy, but exotic, adventurous  ..., useless, crazy, irrational are more close to the truth. Anyway the feeling was too strong and at the end, people will challenge you, cause it’s pretty hard to believe how can anyone give up good paid job, status built for three year, just  to go into something unsure, some dream or fantasy island ..., well at the end I followed the need or feeling, maybe even desire, the truth is even worse, cause at the end it wasn’t because I really wanted to, it was just because I wanted to show to everyone I’m crazy enough to do it ....

Now, with more than one year away from total failure, pretty big waste of money, throwing 3 years of work away ..., I’m starting over, once again, I should be used to it ..., but I’m not, at least I see now what were the real reasons for that and it is much more clearer now, even when I know that there are some small residues of the feeling, swept “under the carpet of rationality”, no no no, in real,it’s not rationality, it’s just all what love and marriage brings with it. ME!! Real ME!!!