It is pretty surprising, when it comes up. Something you would never expect to be part of me, but it is. At least from certain time. What can I do about that, I think it’s little bit too late to look for a cause, that might be far away hidden in my past, something that happened and changes the way I was dealing with things. And now I’m standing here, realizing, that all the stuff I’ve been pushing back, all the emotion that stayed unexpressed, all the fury and anger, that was just buried under other fury and anger. Problems that were never faced, never dealt with. I got married without really knowing it. Can’t really remember it was with me or not. But the true is I have something like fury attacks or rage attack – still they are under control, cause every time it explodes, my mind alarms the body early enough. But the fact is there is a problem at the moment and as at this stage is harmless, at this stage it should be dealt with.
I’m aware this might be because more or less, my emotions are still laid back, mainly the negative emotion. I never get in fight, at least no with real person, but the fight that should be with real person, actually happens in my head. On and on and on, the same situation. The variations of possible answers, that would make me maybe happier, maybe they would help just to release some pressure, few words could change a lot, speaking about my future and my personnel life, which will be affected, no matter how hard I will try to control it. And it might get worse. The need to start talking, need to say my opinion was never bigger. I know at some point, I gave up arguing with people, turned it into my mind, sometimes into writing, but talking pretty much became an issue, not because it’s hard, just because I stopped to do it. Wasn’t giving me anything and the endless conversations were really making me upset, because we were talking about the same things, same annoying bullshit and somehow always after the conversation I just had that feeling, that I don’t wanna be part of it anymore. Than for year I’ve been communicating any problems just with myself or the paper, so how do I expect to communicate with people suddenly?
Let’s have a look on jobs, constant problems, it’s always about the same. Find a job and after not long period, job becomes boring ..., easy ..., not challenging and that’s it. Can’t get any satisfaction, I manage to pick up on any job I do really fast, after short time, there is nowhere to move, no chance to move forward, just having the same days at work all the time. That does drive me crazy, because all of my skill are sitting there in the corner on constant break, as they are absolutely not needed. And I really do not care about career ..., it’s just another name for the job, another amount coming into your account and different people giving you hard time. Simple thing. Well this is something, that I can’t really change immediately, I have to lie, act to get a job that would satisfy me ..., but this is definitely not the most important part, neither cause ..., or a way out.
No comments:
Post a Comment