The life, my life, it’s like if you’re looking through a view finder on a super zoom camera, on a really super super zoom camera, zoomed on maximum and there is it. The uncertain, blurry shadow, that I suppose it’s me in the far future. I zoomed in to find peace, balance …, in the future. But I can’t see anything more, can’t se any sharp picture. Pretty much it’s weird, I can’t build future without fixing present. Can’t look for balance in tomorrow, if I can’t balance my life today. And I don’t know what I want to see there, it’s like looking for something you have to find here. I got to take the camera of my eyes. Slowly I’m loosing the ability to feel, to feel any good, nice, pleasant feelings. Kind of thought love will sort this out, but it didn’t at all, it’s not that I’m saying I’m not in love, it’s just the weird feeling about me, the feeling that is getting worse. Can’t workout where I want to go, what do I really wanna do, that zoom makes it worse, trying to zoom out, but it works against me. Somehow it’s like see, but being blind at once. When I look in the mirror it looks really strange …, I don’t know what I see, I don’t know what do I want to see. Dammed mirror. Still there are these flashbacks of past, wouldn’t say regrets, more trying to fix …, fix me, my head, my soul. I feel really empty and I’m afraid I’m about to fill my life with emptiness, I think that’s why to picture in the viewer is blurry, that’s why I can see only shadow. Searching for happiness on wrong place and in wrong direction. Choice has got to be made …, but I have to decide. I’ve been delaying this for ages, somehow I always new deep inside, that I can’t avoid it, I managed to move it and I still do, but that’s not what I really wanna do. Doesn’t feel right, I always followed my feeling and I got that feeling deep inside, the funny thing is, that this empty feeling is not empty, it’s just the reflection of my life. Because I know I’m full, full of ideas, full of life, full and I’m failing every day to empty myself, even just a bit – that gives me the empty feeling, because my life changes, values change, accepting the acceptable is not right. Maybe it is right for millions, but not for me. I can’t create false picture of happiness and pretend it’ cool and great, that means living in a lie, biggest lie that I’ve ever faced. The thing is I fell, like being dragged or drowned in this lie, like it should be accepted as truth. That would mean give up on me, give up my soul and everything I’ve ever believed in for a false ideas, false imaginary world of happiness based on making sacrifice, sacrificing all what I am and all what I’ve gone through so far. Either I’ll face it …, or I’m gonna die, slowly die inside and I’ll become that money, success, fake happiness driven person, who will be happy, dumb and blind, stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop challenging the life and fate. Is that all worse loosing the biggest gift in universe, is it worth of loosing individuality …, giving up dream and replacing them with dreams of millions? Losing my personality, my soul? For a lie? Don’t think so …, don’t feel so …, don’t want so. Releasing it is the way, free my head, free my soul …, stop accepting and start creating. Than I’ll be able to see a sharp picture in the viewer, but than there won’t be any need to see the future, than it will happen, itself and the future will be unimportant, the future will start to be created with every following they, at that moment I’ll stop loosing and start gaining, gain back my positive feelings and MY life, ME.
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