My Anger, written on 02/12/2010

It is pretty surprising, when it comes up. Something you would never expect to be part of me, but it is. At least from certain time. What can I do about that, I think it’s little bit too late to look for a cause, that might be far away hidden in my past, something that happened and changes the way I was dealing with things. And now I’m standing here, realizing, that all the stuff I’ve been pushing back, all the emotion that stayed unexpressed, all the fury and anger, that was just buried under other fury and anger. Problems that were never faced, never dealt with. I got married without really knowing it. Can’t really remember it was with me or not. But the true is I have something like fury attacks or rage attack – still they are under control, cause every time it explodes, my mind alarms the body early enough. But the fact is there is a problem at the moment and as at this stage is harmless, at this stage it should be dealt with.

I’m aware this might be because more or less, my emotions are still laid back, mainly the negative emotion. I never get in fight, at least no with real person, but the fight that should be with real person, actually happens in my head. On and on and on, the same situation. The variations of possible answers, that would make me maybe happier, maybe they would help just to release some pressure, few words could change a lot, speaking about my future and my personnel life, which will be affected, no matter how hard I will try to control it. And it might get worse. The need to start talking, need to say my opinion was never bigger. I know at some point, I gave up arguing with people, turned it into my mind, sometimes into writing, but talking pretty much became an issue, not because it’s hard, just because I stopped to do it. Wasn’t giving me anything and the endless conversations were really making me upset, because we were talking about the same things, same annoying bullshit and somehow always after the conversation I just had that feeling, that I don’t wanna be part of it anymore. Than for year I’ve been communicating any problems just with myself or the paper, so how do I expect to communicate with people suddenly?

Let’s have a look on jobs, constant problems, it’s always about the same. Find a job and after not long period, job becomes boring ..., easy ..., not challenging and that’s it. Can’t get any satisfaction, I manage to pick up on any job I do really fast, after short time, there is nowhere to move, no chance to move forward, just having the same days at work all the time. That does drive me crazy, because all of my skill are sitting there in the corner on constant break, as they are absolutely not needed. And I really do not care about career ..., it’s just another name for the job, another amount coming into your account and different people giving you hard time. Simple thing. Well this is something, that I can’t really change immediately, I have to lie, act to get a job that would satisfy me ..., but this is definitely not the most important part, neither cause ..., or a way out.

Vztahy?!, napisane cca v 2008

Co je to vlastne za pojem alebo mytologiu, dennodenne zazijam skurvenu realitu toho, ake to v skutocnosti je, miliony ludi, kotri sa tlacia pred obrazovkami, sleduju tie uzasne filmu, pri ktorych sa kazdi sanzi skryvat slzy, aby neukazal ako velmi je citlivy, ale pritom kazdi, ked pride na vec, teda na debatu je uplne zaslepeny ..., ak sa lisim tym co citim a co cakam od vztahov, ak nahodou cakam na tu pravu bez toho aby som pretiahol kazdu jednu, ktora je mi schopna rozkrocit nohy, tak uz som iny, uz som mimo normalneho okruhu, myslenia, konania, preco. Pretoze robim to, o com miliony snivaju? Nie, nie je to lahke, ani kusok to nie je lahke, pretoze stale vidim tu krasu zeny, krasu jej tela, pach, ktory ti dokaze poblaznit celu hlavu a vnemy, stale citim vestko to, co robi zenu takou ziadanou, vsetko sexualne aj asexualne, akurat mi ide na nervy ten trend sukat co ti telo vladze, preco som tak mimo, ked chcem spat iba so zenou, ktoru fakt milujem a ona miluje mna, mozno som sa vratil o 100 rokov spat, ale kurva koho je co do toho, comu ja verim, co citim, hlavne ked jedine co ich trapi je iba to ze preco nesukam a ci nahodou nezapadam do profilu homosexuala. 

A o com to cele vlastne je, o mne, mojich pocitoch a veciach, ktorym verim alebo o tom comu chcu verit ini, ti ktori dennodenne nasleduju tu skurvenu koloniu slepuchov, ktory funguju ako otroci spolocnosti. Pracujte a konzumujte, je mi jasne ze aj ja som sucast tejto masinerie, ale bez toho aby som predaval svoju dusu, pocity a vieru, definujte si veiru ako cokolvek konkretne alebo abstraktne, je to osobna vec, nazoru ... a blablabla kopy veci, ktore denne stretavate, vnimate, zivot vas komfrontuje s tym, co zazivate a prezivate, a je len na vas co z toho nechate aby vas ovplyvnilo .....

Freedom as a myth of 22nd century, written sometime 2009 - 2010

Freedom, word so often used and disused or used in a situations that are not exactly “freedom”. So what is freedom, I mean what is freedom in purest meaning, the ultimate and one and only freedom, the definition that could be “understood” and “accepted” by everyone.

Our past was full of fighting for freedom, I think most of us understand freedom as a physical state and not many people care about the state of mind. We are happy to define freedom as being free to move, travel, by whatever you want, choose your job, but all these thing operate under central system, that we created, that system will never allow us to be free. Still there things you can’t do, things that are not accepted by society and governments, thing people just don’t understand.

Freedom as I see it is certain state of mind, you can’t really learn it, you have to achieve it and most of us never will, because money exist and that will always limit the mind. We have so many choices in the life and anyway most of the people follow the same pattern of life, without questioning if it’s right or not, without being really individual.

“I want to have freedom life” – but what does it mean? It can mean big level of responsibility for the individual life and scarify some part of what is today considered as “normal life”. Being free doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, it means you do what you need to live, where the first problem comes, as “normal life” is so strong defined and widely accepted, that anything different to that will result in you on the edge of society.

Society rules tell you how to live, you have to be registered, pay taxes, spend money you earn, borrow money, to be valuable member who contributes to the good of the society. But what I don’t give a shit about society. Can I just a pick a location, build a house and live on my own. There are loads of people who done that. But do thing they got the ultimate freedom. Living off the common patterns of life? Producing their own food and everything they need for life? I’m sure there are some that won’t even need money, but for most of us, this doesn’t mean freedom, because you can’t have the comfort of modern technologies.

Some of the native nation, living still in the jungles, no phones, internet, TV …., is that freedom? Probably could be, the only thing they have to do is provide for them and their families, they don’t know money, they don’t have anything that someone else could envy, but it’s a hard work. But all they do in their life is for them clearly. They don’t have to work for companies and be depending on the salary, they don’t get frustrated from the payslip, where they see all the deductions. They don’t know TAX.

I thing 99% of today’s world is so addicted to the society, that there can’t be freedom. People fought for freedom and created system, that slaves them actually. We created the system of governments to rules us, so why did we fought for freedom? Maybe freedom is a myth, something that can’t be achieved, because if we would have the ultimate freedom, there would be chaos and the society would collapse soon the humanity is not mature enough the accept the freedom. It is a myth, because with ultimate freedom, people would have to do what they are good in – there won’t be the possibility of working because you are getting better wages. Money does not have place in freedom, as it changes our priorities, makes us do different choices, do jobs we don’t like, learn things we don’t want to learn – for what? Better life …., better life means ability to spend more for loads of things we actually do not need?

Humanity has a strange understanding of freedom, but we can’t be free, we can’t be left without some to rule us, someone we can blame for our current situation …, that’s why this system still works, that’s why we scarify freedom to have some security feeling, feeling of comfort, inside the society, that instantly drags our attention the other way and work hard to make us “blind”? Society is like a big club, you automatically join when you’re born with permanent membership and if you try to leave, society will label you as strange, reckless, dangerous and does all in her power to get you back to the mass.

The more I thing about it …, there can’t be ultimate freedom, because we destroyed it and we are forgetting about it, take care about our selfish lives.

Feeling(s)!, napisane 03/03/2005

Čo okrem hladu sa dá cítiť v žalúdku? Mám tam nejaký pocit, len ho je ťažké definovať alebo opísať. Je to taký jemný, ale zároveň silný tlak. V podstate sa to netýka iba žalúdka, ale celkovo hrude. Ten pocit kumuluje z malinkej neciteľnej vibrácie, do pocitu ktorý sa síce podobá vnútornému svrbeniu, ale nie je to o svrbení, je to skôr ten pocit tesne pred tým, ako ťa začne niečo svrbieť. Teda to je vlastne taká jedna forma, druhá je vlastne podobná, akurát tam sa ten tlak stupňuje viac, dokonca ten pocit cítim až v hlave. Asi by sa to dalo porovnať s bombou tesne pred výbuchom, veľké množstvo (v tomto prípade negatívnej) energie sa začne rozpínať. Možno pod pôsobením takýchto pocitov, sa z niektorých ľudí začne uvoľňovať agresia v takej miere, že to niekto odnesie a potom že prečo sú masoví vrahovia ..., vlastne ten príklad bol zlý, keby som bol ako bomba, tak by musela nasledovať tá explózia, ktorá však nikdy nenastane, aspoň dodnes. Skôr ma napadlo, že je to ako rýchlo-varná kanvica, proste pomaly stúpa teplota, až to začne vrieť, ale vždy keď to dosiahne určitý povedzme nezvyčajný stupeň, ktorý by mohol byť aj nebezpečný, či už voči sebe samému alebo iným (a to nemyslím iba fyzicky, ale hlavne psychicky), príde na rad malý spínač, ktorý to vypne. Len neviem akej značky som. Pravdepodobne väčšina ľudí na takomto princípe funguje, len pomaly mám pocit, že každé varenie zájde o nepatrný kúsok ďalej a ten bezpečnostný spínač sa zopne vždy o kúsoček neskôr ..., časom môže byť s kúsoček neskôr neskoro, ale to sa potom začnem spoznávať z trocha inej stránky a som si istý, že nebudem jediný koho to prekvapí ..., ako?, tak to nemám ako vedieť, dokonca ani tušiť.

Fear of being successful, written on 18/08/2011

Confession, written on November 2009

Why is a good question ..., pretty good one according to what happened last year. Crazy idea of giving up everything just because of some stupid reason, misunderstanding or misrepresentation of my thoughts and feeling, luckily for me, lost was only financial, social and career, gained something much more valuable, but that is a different story.

You know sometimes it happens, you start to feel something. That feeling just appears, but it acts like it’s been here forever. It is really deep, starts that little voice in your head. Voice that makes you do something, different, extraordinary, something that no one would expect you to do. Voice soon changes to a need. Need that gets stronger with the time. And in this period, all around you, just makes you believe this need is important, true, that it is real need. But it’s fake, this need gets stronger as you suffer loads of stupidity around you, some small thing happen, that make this need stronger. Another complication, you don’t think straight in that time, cause you’re getting too deep in the lifestyle, you actually hate, Pissed most of the time, with thought flown miles away, in some imaginary safe place, where no one can piss you of and nothing make you feel disgusting about this world ..., temporary. So there it is, this need, screaming for doing it. For others it sounds crazy, but exotic, adventurous  ..., useless, crazy, irrational are more close to the truth. Anyway the feeling was too strong and at the end, people will challenge you, cause it’s pretty hard to believe how can anyone give up good paid job, status built for three year, just  to go into something unsure, some dream or fantasy island ..., well at the end I followed the need or feeling, maybe even desire, the truth is even worse, cause at the end it wasn’t because I really wanted to, it was just because I wanted to show to everyone I’m crazy enough to do it ....

Now, with more than one year away from total failure, pretty big waste of money, throwing 3 years of work away ..., I’m starting over, once again, I should be used to it ..., but I’m not, at least I see now what were the real reasons for that and it is much more clearer now, even when I know that there are some small residues of the feeling, swept “under the carpet of rationality”, no no no, in real,it’s not rationality, it’s just all what love and marriage brings with it. ME!! Real ME!!!

Dva v jednom, napisane 10/03/2005

Z beznádeje sa rodí nádej,

ale aj najväčšie omyly.

Človek z ničoho chce maximum,

ale pritom nevie či to nerobí len z nutnosti alebo istej potreby nebyť sám.

V živote sa nedá kráčať dvoma cestami,

aspoň nie dlho,

vždy sa nakoniec musí jedna cesta opustiť

a je jasné že seba samého opustiť nemôžeš, 

svoju osobou nemôžeš nechať niekde pri ceste,

lebo ona si ťa nájde,

práve vtedy keď to budeš najmenej čakať. 

Takže ako môžem robiť rozhodnutie,

ktoré ovplyvňuje niekoho iného,

keď neviem ovplyvniť svoj vlastný život a to o chcem. 

Viem čo nechcem, ale viem aj to,

že to čo naozaj chcem sa vylučuje.

Dvoma smermi sa ísť proste nedá,

tak isto ako sa nemôžem rozdvojiť.

Záleží ktorú svoju časť poslúchnem,

isté je len to,

že v tom kriku neviem,

ktorý hlas mi je milší.

The Life, My Life, written on 09/09/2010 22:25

The life, my life, it’s like if you’re looking through a view finder on a super zoom camera, on a really super super zoom camera, zoomed on maximum and there is it. The uncertain, blurry shadow, that I suppose it’s me in the far future. I zoomed in to find peace, balance …, in the future. But I can’t see anything more, can’t se any sharp picture. Pretty much it’s weird, I can’t build future without fixing present. Can’t look for balance in tomorrow, if I can’t balance my life today. And I don’t know what I want to see there, it’s like looking for something you have to find here. I got to take the camera of my eyes. Slowly I’m loosing the ability to feel, to feel any good, nice, pleasant feelings. Kind of thought love will sort this out, but it didn’t at all, it’s not that I’m saying I’m not in love, it’s just the weird feeling about me, the feeling that is getting worse. Can’t workout where I want to go, what do I really wanna do, that zoom makes it worse, trying to zoom out, but it works against me. Somehow it’s like see, but being blind at once. When I look in the mirror it looks really strange …, I don’t know what I see, I don’t know what do I want to see. Dammed mirror. Still there are these flashbacks of past, wouldn’t say regrets, more trying to fix …, fix me, my head, my soul. I feel really empty and I’m afraid I’m about to fill my life with emptiness, I think that’s why to picture in the viewer is blurry, that’s why I can see only shadow. Searching for happiness on wrong place and in wrong direction. Choice has got to be made …, but I have to decide. I’ve been delaying this for ages, somehow I always new deep inside, that I can’t avoid it, I managed to move it and I still do, but that’s not what I really wanna do. Doesn’t feel right, I always followed my feeling and I got that feeling deep inside, the funny thing is, that this empty feeling is not empty, it’s just the reflection of my life. Because I know I’m full, full of ideas, full of life, full and I’m failing every day to empty myself, even just a bit – that gives me the empty feeling, because my life changes, values change, accepting the acceptable is not right. Maybe it is right for millions, but not for me. I can’t create false picture of happiness and pretend it’ cool and great, that means living in a lie, biggest lie that I’ve ever faced. The thing is I fell, like being dragged or drowned in this lie, like it should be accepted as truth. That would mean give up on me, give up my soul and everything I’ve ever believed in for a false ideas, false imaginary world of happiness based on making sacrifice, sacrificing all what I am and all what I’ve gone through so far. Either I’ll face it …, or I’m gonna die, slowly die inside and I’ll become that money, success, fake happiness driven person, who will be happy, dumb and blind, stop asking questions, stop thinking, stop challenging the life and fate. Is that all worse loosing the biggest gift in universe, is it worth of loosing individuality …, giving up dream and replacing them with dreams of millions? Losing my personality, my soul? For a lie? Don’t think so …, don’t feel so …, don’t want so. Releasing it is the way, free my head, free my soul …, stop accepting and start creating. Than I’ll be able to see a sharp picture in the viewer, but than there won’t be any need to see the future, than it will happen, itself and the future will be unimportant, the future will start to be created with every following they, at that moment I’ll stop loosing and start gaining, gain back my positive feelings and MY life, ME.

PODSTATA, napisane 17/08/2011

PODSTATA TOHO

JE NEDAVAT ZMYSEL.

KEBY TO MALO TEN

SMYSEL, NEMUSEL BY

SOM ZABIJAT CAS 

PISANIM. JA SA TOMU

SNAZIM TEN ZMYSEL 

DAT, AJ KED NIE KAZDY

TO POCHOPI, ALE KEBY

TO KAZDY CHAPAL,

ZMYSEL BY SME UZ

ZILI, CIZE BY SOM HO

NEMUSEL STALE HLADAT

A BYT V TEJ MENSINE, KTORA

KLADIE OTAZKY, ODPOVEDE

NA KTORE BUDU VYRAZAT

DYCH

SLZY

UZAS

SMIECH

Kontrola zivota?!

Je tento svet skutocny? Zivot, ludska vola, ked sa okolo seba obzriete a vidite ako sa vsetko hybe, funguje, ako 100vky ludi zije podobne zivoty, navlas tie iste sposoby zivota, akoby sme vsetci nasledovali neviditelnu rovnicu alebo pravidla. Nie je zvlastne ako slobodna vola ustupuje, ako sa prestavame slobodne rozhodovat a ani to nespochybnime, ani na chvilu?

Ako mozeme povedat ze sme naj, naj vyssia forma zivota? Ved sme iba masa bytosti slepo nasledujuca .. co? Co to je? Preco tak malo ludi vyboci mimo tohto kolotoca, vacsina je oznacenych za blaznov a dana do izolacie, ale kto moze rozhodnut o tom ci som alebo nie som blazon? Coho sme teda sucastou? Co ma z nasich zivotov osoh, ked vieme iba drancovat prirodu, nicit, tovrit veci, ktore su iba dalsimi putami, ktore nas drzia v nevedomosti?

Co sa z toho da vyvodit? Moze existovat forma zivota iba tak, bez ucelu, vyznamu alebo su iba veci, ktore vidiet nemozeme lebo nasa pozornost sa ubera uplne inym smerom? Ako je mozne ze miliony ludi fungovat na rovnakom principe? Pracujeme pre peniaze, ktore miname z vacsej casti na uplne zbytocne veci, kupujeme aj to co mozeme vytvorit, cize zbytocne tak vela robime ...

Okolo cho sa toto cele toci? Aj pri tych moznostiach, ktore mame ako jednotlivci, stale nasledujeme iba ten “klasicky zivot”. Kazdy z nas je niecim vynimocny, napriek tomu zabijame akekolvek nadanie v pracach, ktore nas vobec nebavia, nase zivoty su strasne predvidatelne. Preco ma ludsky zivot tu formu a precu ju vsetci dodrziavame bez akychkolvek pochyb> Nedava to zmysel, ani to ze sme jedina tak odlisna forma zivota na zemi, jedina forma, ktora ma velky vplyv na vsetko okolo nas, pritom nie som schopny prist ani nato, odkial sme vlastne prisli alebo ako sme vznikli?

Takze naco sme tu?Technologie nas posuvaju dopredu, ake k comu? Obklopujeme sa zbytocnostami, pri ktorych mame pocit, ze ich potrebujeme. Ulahcuje sa vsetko, ako to bolo mierene nato, aby ludia menej mysleli aleob nemysleli vobec. tatouto cestou sa da uplne otupit alebo zabit to co v nas je. Aby sme zili automaticky, bez premyslania, bez psychiky, bez duse, iba aby sme fungovali. A ked zacnu veci fungovat, tak ze ludia ziskavaju vacsi priestor a klud, stav ktory je idealny na rozvijanie sebauvedomenia a rozmyslania o pravych podstatach zivota ..., vtedy sa nahle nieco stane. Nieco negativne, co nas zas na isty cas uplne zamestna alebo odvedie nasu pozornost na “predpisane veci”, naposledy sa prevalila ekonomicka kriza, ktora nas zas uvrhla spat k nasemu fungovaniu, pracovat, kupovat, spotrebovavat. Zas je to akoby strachom ludi o svoju buducnost. Strach, ktory zaisti ze nikto z nas teda aspon vacsina z nas budbude poslusne hromadit peniaze, ticho sediet a nasledovat vyvoj okolo seba, leb aby si zabezpecili to so sa vseobecne nazyva “zivotne blaho”.

V minulosti malo nabozenstvo obrovsku kontrolu nad vsetkym. Zakazmi drzali nas ludi na uzde, biblia a podobne knihy nas dokonale poucili o tom co sa stane, ked budeme vybocovat z normalu. Lenze vdaka pokroku sa to nedalo udrzat takto stale. Vyvojom rastlo ludske povedomie, uvedomienie seba a spochybnovanie “bozskej kontroly”. Tak prisla vojna, ano vojny tu boli vzdy, lenze male, potom 1. a 2. svetova vojna, miliony mrtvych, vela znicenych veci a ludstvo bolo zrazu zamestnane obnovou a zaludnovanim, co nam dokonale zobralo akekolvek snahy alebo priestor na sebauvedomenie, na dlhe roky to stacilo, lenze tym si ludia uvedomili ako niciovu silou disponuju a kedze stale vyhrava pud sebazachovy, vojny uz nemali taku moc. Na rad prisli virusy, ktore zas zasiali strach, prinutili na sklopit oci a fungovat dalej. Lenze zas pokrok nas z toho dostal. Je jasne ze co moze vzniknut moze aj zaniknut, cize virusy stratili svoju moc tiez, aj ked strach z nich pretrvava.

Akoby vzdy nieco prislo, nieco co tu uz bolo akurat je to vacsie a silnejsie, co nas zas obmedzi. Je to logicke ..., naco sa snazit ovladnut ludsku mysel a dusu, ked staci ovladat veci, ktore ju dokonale ovplyvnia a otupia?

Preteky bez vitaza

Patetickost maratonu, na ktory sa ludstvo rozbehlo bez toho, aby si uvedomili ze bezia avod, v ktorom sa neda vyhrat, pretoe bezia za seba a proti sebe. Vidina cielovej ciernej pasky, ktoru kazdi pretne len raz. Vutuzeny ciel je vsak iba prazdna miesnost plna zrkadiel, kde uvidia koncne to cim iba prebehli, vsetky trofeje su uvaznane za zrkadlami, miesto kde vidime svoju krehkost a kde sa z nasej slepoty stanu slzy, v ktorych beznadejne stracame vsetky svoje tuzby a sny, vsetky nase vahania, ktor, ktore sme nechavali za sebou, aby sme sprintovali do ciela pretekov, ktore vlastne ani nevieme preco bezime. Proste naledujeme stado ..., bez rozmyslania, bez vlastnych cielov, iba tych ktorymi sme boli dokonale vykrmeny. Dokonalostou ludskej potreby nepotrebneho nas nadopovali, aby sme pri behu nestratili chut byt viac rovnaki, nevsedni a nevyrazni ako nasi spolubeziaci. Financne klapky na ociach zaistia, aby sme nenasli, to co sa v nas snazia zabit. Dokonala kamuflaz pre namasovejsiu vrazdu. Nelutostna genocida dusi, s ktorou suhlasime a ochotne objetujeme aj to jedine co z nas mohlo spravit “to”, po com tajne tuzime.

Tak preco bezime tie preteky a nahlime sa vyhrou, ktorea je vlastne nasou najvacsou prehrou?

Bez mena, napisane 25/09/2009

Stale je to v podstate o tom istom. Dookola sa opakujuce periody. Raz si hore, raz si dole, to je uplne pochopitelne, Skor ide o to , ze tie fazy ked som dolu, su coraz castejsie a maju priebeh, ktory mi dost zacina vadit a hlavne ma brutalne obmedzuje vo vsetom. Iste veci som povazoval za cisto “anglicky” syndrom, lenze som pred tym neutiekol, aj ked som v to mozno tajne dufal. Posledne dni ma presvedcili o tom, ze to nebolo take jednoduche. Netykalo sa to iba Londyna, byvania tych ludi okolo mna. Povodne som si myslel, ze to je reakcia na nich, nieco ako forma pnorkovej choroby alebo znechutenia z tych reci, toho ubijajuceho stereotypu, kotry som nikdy predtym nespochybnil, bol som toho sucastou, dokonca mi to aj vyhovovalo. Lenze tie casy su nastastie nenavratne prec, co by ma malo tesit, ale ziadnu ulavu nepocitujem. Jedine co mi ostale, je nieco ako forma vobie z ludi, aj ked sa to neprejavuje stale. Pred skoro mesiacom som mal svadbu a tam to vobec nebolo citit, ani len naznak, ale to bolo vyvrcholenie jedinej veci v mojom zivote, ktora produkuje pozitivne emocie, ale to uz je ina cast, ktora nato nema vplyv. Iba vo Veronike citim velku oporu to mi velmi pomaha. Teoreticky od navratu sa ta fobia ani raz neprejavila, az posledne dni. Zacne to vzdy velmi obmedzenou chutou komunikovat, takou zvlastnou vnutornou nervozitou alebo hnevom, , ono mozno je to aj forma strachu. Nech je to cokolvek, je to vo mne stale, pretoze neviem co to je a teda neviem ako to ventilovat, ako sa toho zbavit, takze sa to iba hromadi vnutri a je mi jasne, ze to takto nemoze ist donekonecna. Dalsi priznak je ze uplne ulietam nikede prec, je to take snove rozmyslanie, pri ktorom mam niekedy pocit akoby som naozaj opustil svoje telo, prakticky akoby som prestal vnimat svet okolo seba. No a v neposlednom rade, co som si az tera uvedomil, akoby taka nechut k alkoholu, nie uplna, iba nechut kozumovat vacsie mnozstvo, co moze byt aj reflex, pretoze posledne roky to alkoholicke excesy iba zhorcovali, aj ked na prvy pohlad to tlmili. Samozrejme toto som si uvedomil az spatne, mozno aj pri pohlad na fotky a tie klasicke alkoholicke pozy, ide o ten vyraz v tvari, ziadne stastie, iba prazdnota. A aj ked som malval vtedy pocit, ze nic nemoze byt problem, v skutocnosti som ten problem iba nevidel alebo v ramci opojenia som ho iba dokonale ignoroval. Pravda je, ze nieco nie je v poriadku, no a aj napriek snaham sa mi to nedari riesit. Dakedy tie ebareflexie pomahali, ale teraz mam pocit, ze to nikam nevedie. Je to stale ten isty kolotoc myslienok a pocit bezmocnosti cokolvek zmenit k lepsiemu. Akoby vsetka snaha narazala na neviditelnu stenu, kotru sa mi nedari ani zburat, ani preliezt, ani obist.