Confession, written on November 2009

Why is a good question ..., pretty good one according to what happened last year. Crazy idea of giving up everything just because of some stupid reason, misunderstanding or misrepresentation of my thoughts and feeling, luckily for me, lost was only financial, social and career, gained something much more valuable, but that is a different story.

You know sometimes it happens, you start to feel something. That feeling just appears, but it acts like it’s been here forever. It is really deep, starts that little voice in your head. Voice that makes you do something, different, extraordinary, something that no one would expect you to do. Voice soon changes to a need. Need that gets stronger with the time. And in this period, all around you, just makes you believe this need is important, true, that it is real need. But it’s fake, this need gets stronger as you suffer loads of stupidity around you, some small thing happen, that make this need stronger. Another complication, you don’t think straight in that time, cause you’re getting too deep in the lifestyle, you actually hate, Pissed most of the time, with thought flown miles away, in some imaginary safe place, where no one can piss you of and nothing make you feel disgusting about this world ..., temporary. So there it is, this need, screaming for doing it. For others it sounds crazy, but exotic, adventurous  ..., useless, crazy, irrational are more close to the truth. Anyway the feeling was too strong and at the end, people will challenge you, cause it’s pretty hard to believe how can anyone give up good paid job, status built for three year, just  to go into something unsure, some dream or fantasy island ..., well at the end I followed the need or feeling, maybe even desire, the truth is even worse, cause at the end it wasn’t because I really wanted to, it was just because I wanted to show to everyone I’m crazy enough to do it ....

Now, with more than one year away from total failure, pretty big waste of money, throwing 3 years of work away ..., I’m starting over, once again, I should be used to it ..., but I’m not, at least I see now what were the real reasons for that and it is much more clearer now, even when I know that there are some small residues of the feeling, swept “under the carpet of rationality”, no no no, in real,it’s not rationality, it’s just all what love and marriage brings with it. ME!! Real ME!!!